When Marriage is Hard

When is marriage hard? Always. 

I think we are usually ashamed to admit when marriage is tough. I know I am. 

It’s not like I didn’t know this before diving into marriage. It’s not like I want to throw the towel in. It’s not that I don’t believe in marriage. 

I wouldn’t trade in my marriage for anything. Even on the days when I have red moments and all I think I want to do is be alone. 

But the fact is, marriage is hard. It’s one of the biggest risks you will ever take in life. Putting together two people from two different backgrounds for life with two different ways of dealing with conflict – it’s kind of crazy right? But with that crazy comes an unfathomable beauty….that sometimes gets lost in dark times.

Ryan and I have a hard time while he is gone at school and while under a lot of stress.  The past couple of weeks I have broken down to a girlfriends about marriage troubles. Every single one said she had been there. Here, I thought I was the weak one. That I was all alone in my troubles. There is comfort in knowing that we are not alone and I think we can all learn from one another. 

So,why don’t we share our hardships?

The moments where we feel unheard, misunderstood. When we just want to be selfish and not put the spouse first. When the other person surprises us and we feel like we don’t know them at all. 

It’s so much easier to share the good. To brag about your perfect weekends and the over the top romantic gestures. Sometimes you want to show everyone that you are OKAY and la-di-da ain’t love GRAND!

Truth: Ryan and I fight.

Of course we fight about countless stupid things that all cohabitating couples fight over:

The fact that there are 6 pairs of his shoes in the front entry way and I nearly break my neck carrying in the groceries. We fight that I don’t properly rinse of the dishes before loading them in the dishwasher. We fight when it takes 30 minutes to choose which movie to watch after a long Saturday. He wants to kill me when I leave 6 empty water glasses on my bedside table and I will scream if he squeezes the middle of the toothpaste tube again!

The silly things like that we usually end up laughing over. But there are the bigger issues too. The big choices, the dreams we sometimes have to sacrifice, the times when money is tight, sleep is nill, and hopes are squashed. The fights that lead to us asking ourselves, “Are we making the right choices?” The days that end in a big fiery ball of fury where every wrong word is said and you don’t think you have any more tears to cry. 

When you are stressed and feeling down, who is the first person you generally vent to or show anger towards? The spouse. Ryan and I are both guilty of pushing each other away in times of stress and sadness. Life is an ongoing lesson and I’m forever grateful to have Ryan as my co student for this education. But like all good students, we make mistakes along the way. 

Marriage brings out the worst and the best in me. It’s only been a short time, 1 year and 4 months, but it has taken me on an amazing journey. We’ve both changed since marriage, and for the good. I’m more humble, giving, selfless, loving, and hopeful because of my marriage. The crazy emotions in marriage are the same ones that make it absolutely beautiful. 

After the darkness descends, I always look at Ryan and know that although every choice we make may not be the best, I made the right choice in marrying him. We choose each other. Every day. Even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.  

Love can do amazing things, but that doesn’t make the dark days any less numbered. 

It’s okay to admit marriage is hard. There should be no fear in sounding as if you have any less love for you spouse in doing so. 

As I grow older, the more and more I learn how small this world is. Let’s share our stories and grow together. If you are going through tough times, even ones that last a day,  you are not alone. 

  • Beautiful post lady. Everyone talks about the sunshine and rainbows of marriage…but there are definitely rough times. And I so appreciate your honesty on the topic.

    • kwalshmac

      Thank you. Sometimes just acknowledging the hard times feels good 🙂

  • This is such a great post. I am newly married, and even when we would fight when we were engaged, it would scare the pants off of me because you NEVER hear of folks fighting. You’re supposed to be/live happily ever after, right? This is very refreshing and know that me and my husband have the SAME fights with each other!

    • kwalshmac

      Good, I’m so glad you could relate! We’re human, we fight, we make mistakes, we hurt people. But we also do a lot of good. Sometimes I don’t think you can have the good without seeing and talking about the bad. It helps!

  • “Marriage brings out the worst and the best in me.” So much truth in that statement! And you’re right, ALL couples go through big fights and little fights, but as long as you keep trying and never give up on your marriage, I think it will always work.

    • kwalshmac

      Yep, I think just talking about the fights or why they happen make the biggest difference. We learn and we grow but we do it together.

  • SO TRUE friend!! I love this post. It is freaking hard sometimes, but so refining and rewarding. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your heart.

    • kwalshmac

      Thank you! The good always outweighs the bad, but that doesn’t mean the bad should be ignored. 🙂

  • This is a great post. I got in a huge fight with my husband last night, we’ve only been married 4 months. I needed this today, thanks.

    • kwalshmac

      Thanks Tracey, I’m glad it was beneficial to you. I’m sorry you had a huge fight, stick it out together and remember how much you love each other. The first year of marriage is hard – with expectations and assumptions and change.

  • found your blog via amanda (notes from a newlywed) and wow, this is great! thanks for being real and honest about how hard marriage can be at times (and honestly…the shoes in the entry way and middle of the toothpaste squeeze?! c’mon! these boys).

    thanks for being real about it!

    • kwalshmac

      Thank you for reaching out. I’m so glad that you enjoyed the post. Sometimes it’s hard to be vulnerable, but it always pays off. Fights, big and little, are a fact of life! Ugh and the shoes are what get me the most!! But I do annoying things too 🙂