I Finally Feel Like a Mom

  overallsvday1   

Nearly five months on the job and I finally feel like a mom.

At the end of my pregnancy I was bombarded with a lot of advice and opinions from experienced moms. Mostly they were warning me how hard the first few weeks of motherhood were going to be. “Nightmare”, “despair”, “survival”, and “crazy” were words that were all loosely thrown around.

I felt like I was being hit with negativity from all angles when all I wanted to do was float on my cloud of pre birth euphoria. I had waited my whole life to be a mom and was so excited to share my life with a cuddly little newborn. I knew it was going to be hard work and that there were going to be sleepless nights and challenging learning curves but I was so angry about all the negative words I was receiving from other moms. “How dare they ruin such a special time for me?” I thought as I rubbed my pregnant belly, daydreaming in my soon to be born son’s nursery. 

Oh how naive I was. I wish I could go back and hug that version of myself. 

It’s true, the first few weeks, even months, are all about survival. On the days that I wasn’t asking doctor google a ridiculous amount of questions (you don’t want to know how much time I spent looking at articles and images about newborn poop) I was trying to figure out how to let myself rest and recover or to find a way to not cry as much. The internet and the books place a huge importance on a routine for you and the baby. I could only laugh. The only “routine” Wyatt and I had was to feed him when he was hungry. 

On the good days I felt like I was playing pretend. Ryan and I would sit together on the couch at night, taking turns holding Wyatt, and saying “I can’t believe he’s actually here!”. Motherhood still didn’t feel like reality. It felt like I was being tested and that the baby could be taken away at any moment and we’d return to our “normal” lives. The days were long and the nights were even longer. I had zero clue what I was doing and felt like such a failure when Wyatt would scream and cry and nothing I did could help him and all I wanted to do was sleep. 

But it got easier. We’ve slowly been finding ways to make a routine and trying to stick to it. We’ve formed a bond – a beautiful bond between Wyatt and I and a fresh new bond between Ryan and I. I’ve learned to pick up on Wyatt’s cues and he’s learning more ways to express himself. Some days are still long, but most go by too quickly. We are slowly learning to live our new “normal”. 

There were many times in the first few months where I didn’t think I can, but now I know, I can do this. I can be a mother. The type of mother I’ve always esteemed to be. 

At least for today. I’m sure tomorrow Wyatt will do something entirely new and throw me off my game. But today. Today I’m good. 

overallsvday2

  • i can SO identify with this feeling. SO SO MUCH. you have to get out of the haze of that first few months before you realize, “oh my gosh, I’m really doing this!”

    • kwalshmac

      And when you finally arrive out of that faze, it’s such an amazing feeling! I’m glad you can relate!

  • This is so beautiful, and perfect perfect timing for me to read right now.

    • kwalshmac

      Thank you…sending you positive thoughts, those first few weeks are hard and overwhelming (so much newness, so much love, so many challenges). I just know you are being an amazing new mama though!

  • Pat

    You’re doing a wonderful job loving and taking care of Wyatt. Katie, you’re a great mom!

    • kwalshmac

      Hugs!

  • You’re an awesome mom, and Wyatt is so lucky to have you!! I’m glad you’re finally starting to get in a routine!

    • kwalshmac

      Thanks Laura. Takes one to know one 🙂 Routines are good, but also having fun learning how to be more flexible too and rolling with the punches.

    • kwalshmac

      A routine is where it’s at for me. I thought I could be this laid back mom that just went with the flow, ha! ha! It just took some adjustment to find what works for me. We all have to find our groove.

  • Mary Jane

    Katie, even though we never knew each other until “the wedding” of June and your PopPop, I feel closer to you mainly because June loved you! So, barging in on her thoughts, I just love that little guy and you. He is so cute and you are doing all the things that are making his life wonderful. Congrats to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • kwalshmac

      Thank you, Mary Jane. That means a lot of me! xoxox

      • Mary Jane

        Katie, when I had my second son my husband stayed home for a week. When it was time for him to go back to work, I was overcome with fear and didn’t think I could handle a baby and a 5 year old. Well as you know, I survived and everything worked out! It is a abig hurdle but you are so talented, you’ will be fine! Call me if you ever need help! I must come and see him soon!

  • awww honey….I have no idea what these emotions are…I keep reading about them but clearly it’s a “you have to be in it” thing. It seems like it’ll be forever to get to this point where you are! I’m so glad you are establishing some sort of a routine, even if that routine changes daily….and of course, you are a fabulous mom. That little man is thriving and it’s (mostly) because of you. We’ll give dad a bit of credit as well 😉 take care.

    • kwalshmac

      Thank you, it’s a big hurdle to jump over, those first few weeks. Thank goodness for a supportive spouse and family. But the bad make the good all that more worthwhile. It’s a bond like no other, even if it makes you crazy! I hope you get to experience all of that soon!