Wyatt Stirling has been out of my womb as long as he was in it. That fact simply blows my mind.
Lately motherhood has been messy and overwhelming.
It has been hard transitioning into a new job and learning how to balance working at home while also looking after a crawling 8 month old while also stressing every day over Ryan finding a job.
Once again, I feel like we are in this in between stage – waiting for our lives to begin. And it makes me feel so guilty and anxious.
I feel anxious that Ryan won’t find a job that he loves and will take a job to make ends meet. I worry that we won’t be able to provide Wyatt with everything we want to give him.
I feel guilty because lately I’ve found myself counting down the minutes to Wyatt’s next naptime so I can get some work done. I feel like I’m ignoring him while he plays on the floor by himself and I’m focused on my computer. I feel guilty that I can’t give him 100% of my attention.
But then all it takes is one little moment of joy. One little smile from Wyatt that reminds me that everything is okay. He reminds me to live in the present. That right now all he needs is our love and our smiles.
Motherhood will always be overwhelming. Life will always be messy. There are no “in between” stages of life. This is our life, right now, we are living it. His sweet smiles remind me to reach out and to capture these little moments before they are gone.
I feel like I should have something poetic or even profound to say on my first Mother’s Day. But in honesty, I am overburdened with too many words, too many thoughts, too many emotions to thread them together in a coherent message. The best way I seem to express myself these days are through soft tears that water up my eyes when I take a time out to think about the past 8 months of my life.
Perhaps that is motherhood’s way of keeping you sane. You are so busy with all of the changes – the diaper changes, the laundry changes, the dishwasher changes, the growing baby that changes daily that you don’t have enough time to reflect on how you have changed.
The daily life as a mother is so heavy. I’m constantly balancing life as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, as a friend, as an employee, and as a woman. Every day I feel overwhelmed. There have been many times where I’ve questioned my ability to be a good mother, many times when I just wanted to give up and stay in bed all day or take the longest shower of my life while the baby screamed in the other room.
But I did what mothers have been doing for centuries. I took a big breath and kept on going.
Kept waking up every three hours. Changed a diaper 5 minutes after I just changed the last. I sacrificed showers and dinners with friends and time with my husband to care for a baby who seemed to do nothing but eat, cry, and poop.
You just keep moving.
The magic of motherhood sneaks up to you in those mundane moments. It happens during that 4 a.m. feeding when you can’t keep your eyes open and you think you will never sleep again, but then the baby smiles at you for the very first time.
It happens when you’re changing your 10th diaper for the day but then the baby rolls over and giggles at you.
It happens when you’re glued to the couch pumping more milk for when you will be apart while working and the baby starts to crawl and looks up at you with so much pride and excitment.
It happens when you are lying awake in bed full of anxiety but then get a whiff of the little newborn, heavy in sleep, lying on your chest and just feel so alive.
Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. But, love is all around, even in the middle of the night when you feel nothing but alone.
Just keep moving, the love will surprise you when you least expect it, coming at you full force, fueling up your heart for another day, surprising you and changing you in the most profound way.
I think it’s easy to say that I’ve made a fast transition into a full mommy blogger. Sorry for all you childless readers – but this is my life now. As it’s been awhile since I posted on anything not completely about Wyatt I thought I’d drop in and give a little life update.
The Big Stuff:
The Little Stuff:
That’s basically what’s going on! It’s been a busy/stressful early Spring of transitions. We are ready for whatever comes next! What is new with you?
Every day he is more and more alert to the world around him and loves exploring new people and places. He’s a little squirmy wormy and does not sit still.
Weight: 18 pounds
Length: 27.5 inches
Hair: light brown and he has gotten so much more hair this past month!
Nicknames: Wy, Wy-Wy, Mr. Man. Stink Bink.
Likes: Rolling! This guy loves to roll and roll and roll. Don’t blame him since it’s his only mode or transportation! He also still loves all books and singing his favorite songs. Touching our faces and putting his fingers in our mouths. He loves taking walks in our new lillebaby, especially forward facing so he can check everything and everyone out.
Dislikes: Sleeping in his crib.
Clothing and Diapers: 3-6 month and size 3 diapers.
Sleep: I refer to him as “The Baby Who Refuses to Sleep”. Naps are few and far between and he refuses to sleep in his crib. We try. We try crying it out, controlled crying out, a very in depth routine, different bed times. And nothing works. He will only fall asleep in his rock n play. I don’t know what we will do when he grows out of it!
Feeding: Breastfed every three hours and eats two solids a day. Usually a fruit or veggie puree that I mix up in the morning and oatmeal at night. So far he has tried sweet potatoes, bananas, apples, peas, butternut squash, avocado, and rice and oatmeal cereal. He likes everything.
He wasn’t too sure of the sourish taste of the apples at first and made this hilarious face. But still ate all of them!
Milestones: Rolling freely front back to belly and belly to back over and over. Sitting up by himself for about 20 seconds. Grabbing at everything. Shaking his rattles and bell toys with glee.
Attended his first swim lesson! We are going every Tuesday morning for six weeks and he loved it! I hope he’s a little fishy like I was growing up. He also is showing all signs of teething and gets rather fussy some days but no actual teeth cutting through yet. I also think he’s so close to crawling. My guess is by the end of May.
Favorite Things: Cloth books, board books, singing, Mickey Mouse Hot Dog singing doll, bell rattle, panda toy, activity center, Seaseme Street pop up toy, cold teething keys, baby einstein guitar, play cell phone, playing with his feet and sucking on everything!
What I want to remember:
How happy he is all the time! Seriously, he’s such a happy baby and delights in the smallest things. I’m grateful for how I can make him happy by just making a silly face or doing a silly dance for him.
Reading to him before bedtime.
How fortunate I feel to still be nursing him.
The way he wacks himself in the stomach when he’s SUPER excited.
Our first Easter with him.
How excited he was to be requainted with his favorite toy from his newborn days, his panda.
How much fun we had at swim lessons.
I don’t know how it’s possible, but every day I love you more. I love your curiosity and the joy that you experience with every little moment and new experience. The days are going by too fast. How are you already more than half of they way to your first birthday? I’m so lucky to spend the days with you. We are learning new things together, like how to let you cry on your own a little, even though it tears me apart. The fact that you are now eating solids and sleeping in your own room (although in your beloved rock n play) makes me realize that you are not completely dependent on me anymore and it’s so very bittersweet. You’ll always be my special little baby boy and I’ll always be here for you as you experiment with your independence. I can tell that you can’t wait to do more things on your own. I will be standing by watching you with the biggest smile on my face and in my heart.
5:45 AM: I wake up and check in on Wyatt who is still sleeping soundly in his crib.
5:50 AM: Blend up a green smoothie and go for a quick 1.5 mile jog on the treadmill.
6:15 AM: Shower and get dressed for the day.
6:40: AM: Enjoy a cup of coffee while reading the news and social media.
6:55 AM: Wyatt wakes up and I nurse him and get him dressed.
7:10 AM: I do my hair and make up while Wyatt plays happily in his activity gym.
7:45 AM: Head over to my mom’s house with Wyatt and Maggie.
8:10 AM: Nurse Wyatt again at my Mom’s house. (just a little snack)
8:30 AM: Head into the office.
11:00 AM: Take a pumping break at my computer. Answer some emails and catch up on social media.
1:30: PM Pick up Wyatt
2:00: PM Feed Wyatt at home.
2:30: PM Take a long walk with Maggie and Wyatt.
3:00 PM: Put Wyatt down for a 1.5 hour nap.
3:05 PM: Work on some freelance work while also preparing dinner.
4:30 PM: Wyatt wakes up and we read books, sing songs, and play.
5:00 PM: Nurse Wyatt
5:30 PM: Get dinner ready and feed Wyatt some food.
6:15 PM: Ryan comes home and we sit down for a nice family dinner.
7:00 PM: Go on a family walk.
7:30 PM: Wyatt’s bedtime routine. Bath, songs, books, pajamas, fall asleep in crib.
8:00 PM: Catch up on some house chores.
8:30 PM: Pour a glass of wine and chat with Ryan and maybe watch some TV
9:30 PM: Read in bed.
10:30 PM: Fall asleep for the night.
I wish! Did I fool you??? My days look a little more like this:
5:50 AM: Wyatt wakes up and I nurse him and then try to get him to settle down or go back to bed so I can get as much sleep as possible.
7:20 AM: Force myself to get out of bed and throw on some clothes and maybe some eyeliner and moisturizer and brush my hair.
7:30 AM: Get Wyatt dressed.
7:35 AM: Throw together some breakfast and my lunch and pour some coffee in a travel mug and lug everything for our day out to the car.
7:45 AM: Drive Maggie and Wyatt over to my mom’s house.
8:10 AM: Nurse Wyatt again.
8:30 AM: Head into work.
11:00 AM: Take my pumping break in the bathroom. Ick.
1:30 PM: Leave work and head to my mom’s. Feed Wyatt before driving home.
2:00 PM: Chug coffee. Work on some freelance while simultaneously playing with Wyatt.
2:45 PM: Get Wyatt down for a nap. He falls asleep and I try to sneak in some more work.
3:00 PM: Wyatt wakes up from his “nap”
3:10 PM: After it is clear he is not going to fall back asleep I set him up with some toys so I can attempt get some work done.
5:30 PM: Feed Wyatt.
6:00 PM: Get dinner ready. Like cook a frozen pizza or throw together a salad.
6:30 PM: Ryan comes home and we take turns eating dinner while the other entertains Wyatt.
7:00 PM: Go for a short family walk.
7:20 PM: Give Wyatt his bath and read and sing to him. Enjoy our only time all day together to relax and enjoy Wyatt.
7:25 PM: Wyatt is wide awake.
7:30 PM: Don’t give up hope. Lights out. Nurse Wyatt. Rock Wyatt. Desperately try to get Wyatt to sleep.
8:00 PM: Repeat above.
8:30 PM: Bring Wyatt downstairs. Set him up in his rock and play.
8:40 PM: Wyatt promptly falls asleep with us. We watch a TV show until we can barely keep our eyes open.
9:30 PM: Carry Wyatt up and he sleeps in our room with us. We all fall asleep.
11:30 PM: Nurse Wyatt.
2:30 AM: Nurse Wyatt.
5:30 AM: Nurse Wyatt.
Start the day all over again!
We had a fabulous holiday weekend! On Saturday, my Birthday, we attended an Easter party at my Pop-Pop’s retirement community. There we met the Easter bunny and got free portraits taken with real live bunnies borrowed from an Amish farm. I had no idea we were going to get such professional photos taken and was blown away by the results. I love my little Wyatt with the bunny, I’m going to be a proud mama here, isn’t he the cutest???
Later that day we celebrated my birthday at my parent’s house. Wyatt was very interested in the candles! It was a perfect low key celebration.
Sunday morning, the Easter bunny was a little late getting things going. (I hear he was also celebrating a birthday with cosmos like me the night before). But I was very happy to present Wyatt’s first Easter basket. We filled it with books, a Jellycat piggy, a fun ball, a rattle chick, and tons of plastic Easter eggs.
Wyatt was extremely intrigued and couldn’t wait to dig in!
He liked the Easter eggs the best. We spent the rest of the morning dumping out the eggs over and over again.
Next we headed over to my parent’s house where Wyatt was presented with another basket of Easter goodies! Our little guy isn’t spoiled one little bit!
We then drove down to Philly for Easter with Ryan’s family. Wyatt made quite the entrance as he had an accident all over his fancy Easter outfit. So after a quick and very messy change, we enjoyed more Easter goodies, including this Mickey Doll that sings The Hot Dog song. Wyatt is in love. Mommy will soon lose her mind!
It was great to get all the MacDonald kiddos in one place to celebrate!
How did you celebrate Easter?